Beginning to Say Goodbye

   I think it's time to start talking about the end; My end specifically. Let me explain a little. I've had a battle with poor health most of my life. I've caught every flu or cold that comes down the pike. I also am very prone to sudden-onset infections. In 2006 I was diagnosed with severe COPD as well as fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis. Lately every day is a struggle to do anything. Forcing myself to do any tasks at all just to stay limber simply doesn't work, though it does exacerbate the pain and forced breathing quite badly. I am tired all the time. I could go in to a long, drawn out description, however if you take this utterly literally it is completely accurate.

   There are, of course, a thousand things that could be said about this. I wont enumerate them all. But I will talk about a few. I'll probably end up talking about more than I intend right now, 'cause that's just me. I'm not sure if I'll just keep updating this post, or write new ones on this topic. I do know one thing...this is part of my saying goodbye.

Being Scared

   I'm a little scared after all. I somehow thought that I wouldn't be. I thought that being pagan would, I don't know, buy me Get Out Of Fear Free card, I guess. Silly girl. In the end we're all just people, and we react however it is that we react. And reacting is all that we can do, really.

Missing People

   I already miss people. I miss my kids. I miss my sisters. I miss my husband, Steve. I miss my friends. Some times I go on Skype with one of them and the longing to be in the same room with them is so intense! Yes, I can see and hear them in real time, but I can't hug them or touch their hands. Still, it's more than my ancestors had and for that I am grateful.

Regrets

   I have kind of a mixed bag here. There are things I would have done differently. Clearly, if you know me at all, you know that this is true. But there are not too many things I regret enough to go back and change. Most of them fall under the category of things that lead to other things that I don't regret, so if I hadn't known X person I would never have met Z person. That kind of thing. I have come to understand that regrets for what might have been are pointless. It was whatever it was and all we do when we worry over it is make ourselves miserable.

   In closing, I would like to say very clearly that nobody has to come racing to my side to say goodbye in person. I know that some of you can't, or cannot bear to. That's fine. I don't want you to strip your bank account or your happiness just to exchange ten words with me. I love you! Why would I want that for you? Those of you who wish to visit are very welcome. And there is no tearing rush. It isn't time Right Now! But, in fairness, it won't be long, either. I doubt that the summer will see me here...

   Now watch, I'll live another 20 years, and have to put up with all of you teasing me about this blog. I guess there could be worse things.