I came to the computer, sat down and was all ready to write a blog entry that I thought would be witty and relevant.
And I stopped.
I doubted.
I doubted that anybody would care what I have to say, and then I doubted if what I had to say was in any way relevant or interesting after all, and then I doubted that anybody would like me or want to associate with me after I published it. And I wrote that last one as a run-on sentence, because that is how my brain works when I have anxiety like this.
I do this a lot, in fact. If I published everything I began here, and subsequently decided against, there would be four or five new blog posts a month. But I don't because I was taught to doubt myself and my worth at a very young age. People who were otherwise very nice, loving humans taught me that I am only after attention and I will be worth nothing.
Did they mean it that way? I have no idea, but that is what they taught me. And so that is what I pack around with me. I have tried repeatedly to "get over it". I can do that for short periods (which I love). Within a few days, though, I am struggling again and doubting my every breath.
I am even having a huge amount of trouble resisting the urge to cancel this one. It's the ones where I bare anything deeper about myself: Those are the real toughies. The ones where I say that my real dad being an alcoholic during my early childhood had an effect on everything I thought thereafter. The ones where I say that when he died I went in to a depression I am still in forty-seven years later. The ones where I say that the step fathers sexual abuse put paid to an already struggling life.
And you know what?
I'm done.
Now, don't get me wrong here. This is not a suicide note. Not in any way, shape or form. I'm just saying I am done with the whole thing of trying to live up to societal or social expectations. I am done with giving a shit weather or not I will offend someone or make them hate me. I cannot live like this anymore. The Anxiety Of It Is Fucking Killing Me! That is not a joke!
So at this moment I am determined to go ahead and blog about whatever I like. Even if it's three sentences long, or not much more than a link to something else, or just a photo or art piece. If you don't like it, don't read my blog. That's pretty easy really. I do know one thing though. I will never find out either way, because no one EVER comments on them.
Have a nice week.
